Beginning in 2010 I learned a lot about myself through the wonderful means of a ‘mental breakdown’. I went on anxiety meds for a long while and it was alright. Then I left my job and lost my insurance. I could have paid out of pocket; it wouldn’t have cost terribly much but I decided to wean myself off of it and quit completely. Since then to compensate I’ve utilized mood journals. I basically started out watching and rating my mood level on a scale of one to ten every hour to watch for dips and try to curtail anxiety issues. I did that for about three months. Then I quit writing in the journals but kept a good eye on my mood day to day. It didn’t take away the anxiety problems that would surface sometimes but I was better able to prepare myself and my family for those moments when I was ‘off kilt’. LOL
I must admit it has been a long while since I really paid attention to my mood/anxiety levels and sometimes I endure the consequences. Unfortunately, so does my family. For example, last month when I had to go through a number of medical procedures and some scary situations with my heath I was a mess. Now that I think about it…that was really not even the beginning for me. I suffered through the most intense and awful class (research methods-online version which should have been statistics and research methods. On the tail end of that class and at the same time my final was due I had a dear family member pass away. And then…I came back to all that medical stuff and what not.
You can bet I was a wreck. I was good until the week before my medical procedures. My poor poor family, oh what they had to put up with. I was literally at a level 2 or 3 mood and anxiety wise and we all suffered through it.
At those points, the mind just doesn’t see, act, or do things clearly. It is just beyond any reasoning ability and things get said or done and of course there are not ‘take-backs.’ And of course I was not at all expelling anything creatively; no writing whatsoever and that just causes me to plummet further down into the dark abyss of…well, you get my point.
So here I am today.
I decided to write this because I was thinking, “man I feel great today.” I’m happy, chipper, really pleasant towards people, and then I think…”whoa. Hold up.” Red flags. RED FLAGS.
It sucks that it’s like that but its the truth. When you are high up, there’s really only one other way you can go.
But forget the drivel that is negativity. I’m feeling great tonight.
Last night I wrote my second chapter to my new book and feeling for the next already. I also came up with a creative thing for my social media site www.bitemybook.com and I’m eager to begin that. I finally found my niche…and it only took me a year.
To top that rocket blast up, I am beginning my last class of graduate school and then I’ll finally get to work out in the field of my study. I’ve landed an internship that I feel I’ll learn a lot from. My husband aced his driving test and written test and is now state level certified in his field which also comes with a nice hunk of extra pocket change. So for the moment, allow me to dawdle in around in some happy chunks of life…because really, isn’t that all we get. Small bits here, chunks there? Life is short is it not?