Silent Chaos

chaosI’m tired. I want to sleep. First though, I wanted to share some personal thoughts. Last night I did some web browsing during my down time. (Don’t worry, I’m totally allowed to do so.) Of course, I should have been writing; had even made plans with my writing partner to do some story chatting. The work phone kept me busy and being up and down for a good five hours I didn’t even attempt getting into a detailed conversation of such importance. So I decided I would do some mindless, numbing web-surfing. What I got was so completely the opposite. I went to www.brainpickings.com and sifted through a lot of their pages. I soon realized I was leading myself in the direction of reading what other writers were doing or had done. Their daily habits, their writing routines, tips, suggestions, ect. I read probably thirty pages. And those pages led me to probably another twenty or so.

I realize of course that everybody is going to have their own methods and what works for one will not work for all. Some must have their drink with their writing. Others must write only after midnight while still some rise before the sun is up to get four hours of creative writing done every single day. One even had to hail a cab to get to the gym before she could get any writing done. What I did see that was the same in each and every one of them, the successful ones anyway, was they wrote EVERY SINGLE DAY WITHOUT FAIL. Even if they threw away forty-seven out of the fifty pages away they still wrote daily.

This is where I lack. I do not write everyday. And this morning as I drove home I wondered just what was so hard that I couldn’t write every day. As I was showering and pondering (my best thoughts always occur around, under, near, in, or on water) why I couldn’t be disciplined like other writers I felt a sudden exhaustion overwhelm me. Not a tiredness from having worked all night either. It was an inner exhaustion; deep from within my spirit person and inside my mind’s eye a voice said, “there is a quiet storm going on in your world.”  I got out of the shower and wondered on that for a bit. A quiet storm. What the hell did that mean? I had no idea, but somewhere inside me I did know and so I continued searching; seeking. And I finally understood.

My whole life is full of silent chaos. From the outside it may appear I have everything going good. Sure, yeah, yep. I’ve got things covered. The wheel’s are cranking at full gear and I’m being productive. Going to grad school, interning, full time job, family, house, writing, blogging,  blah blah blah. But on the inside…it’s totally chaotic. At least that’s how I feel. I don’t truly believe I am giving things my full potential, my complete attention. I feel like I am forced to split myself into so many pieces so as to contribute a little to a lot. And I don’t like that. Not one bit. And It has to stop.

changesSo I decided it was time to merge all those pieces of myself. I’m gluing myself back to one whole by developing a schedule for myself. I’ll allocate a time for things to be done (with additional time as necessary for surprise events). I’m putting a schedule in order. I’m going to write daily. I’m taking back control of my life. I don’t know when this quiet storm entered my life, though if I gave myself time to ponder on it I could surely pinpoint an estimate but it’s not important. What is important is that I not let any more wasted time pass.

No. This Silent Chaos shall not consume any more of my world. I’m taking back my life. 🙂 I will move forward from this moment and strive to do better. I will work towards finding a balance in my life because right now..my efforts are dysfunctional, ill-spent, and of poor quality because I am not of sound mind and spirit. But I will do better. 🙂  I can at least try, right?

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