The Crap-Rut Place

I’ve had a crappy week. How about you? I don’t know what’s contributing to the crappiness. Maybe it’s just me. Who the hell knows! All I know is I’ve gotten nothing, absolutely nothing really accomplished in my life lately. Perhaps I’m just being extremely too critical of myself. Allow me for a moment to back myself a bit and look at things for a moment with, hopefully, a less depressed and critical eye.

I decided the novel I finished with my co-writer last year wasn’t working. Exactly what wasn’t working, I had to figure out. So I took my novel, shrunk down the font size to as small as I could and still manage to read it, made it single space, and then printed out the whole damn thing. Then I looked at the WIP with as much scrutiny as I could muster…which is a lot! The last few chapters were definitely not working for me. And I realized the opening chapter sucked too. But that’s cool. I’m alright with that. Then I sorted each chapter into piles of main character POVs. I realized my lead protagonist wasn’t receiving the attention he should. Okay. I can work with that too. Alright, so I’ve got a lot of reworking to do. Cool. That’s progress at least, right?

In other realms of my life, I have been fighting to establish a writing routine. I told myself I’d begin getting up earlier to write. Some mornings I can manage to do this, but most of the time I just really want to sleep in. Between my job and my internship I work seven days/nights, depending on which one I’m at. Then I have my family to tend to. I just am completely burnt out with it all.

And I’m freakin’ lonely! I miss the best friend I had, who no longer is in my world. When I need someone to talk to…I feel like I have no one. (Yeah, kinda venting here and this pity party is already boring to me!)

So where do I go? What do I do? I have to pull myself out of this crap-rut I’m in. And if something isn’t working, then we change it. Can’t get different results if we’re doing the same thing every day, isn’t that so?

I learned not to attempt to do everything and I don’t think I’m trying to any longer. I’ve minimized the topics in my head, the to-do list has grown shorter, my expectations are more realistic. At least I thought they were. I think they are. But still, things just aren’t working.

So what am I to do?

Well, let’s see. I think beginning with today (Thursday, though technically it’s Friday now, but this is where my week begins for me) I am going to set aside ‘work time’ for my writing. I tried this before but for some reason doing this in the morning just wasn’t working. So, I’m going to try to set up a different structure. Morning activities, afternoon activities, and evening activities will be my chief focus points. I’ll give myself three activities that need done during each portion of the day that do not involve my writing. And if and when I can get those three things done, then I’ll be free to write.

Also, I think I need to find a place outside of my home to write. Trying to write inside the confines of my home feels impossible to me. All I see are the numerous things that I need to do. I don’t have a problem with the inner critic taking over my writing. I have a problem with the inner critic of the rest of my life. AHHH! I just want it to shut the hell up.

So I want to cleanse myself of whatever negativity I’m surrounding myself with or holding onto. That’s a first. And I suppose if I keep feeling like a failure every time I don’t get something done or don’t get a chance to write or even flop out on an actual good writing opportunity is not the best thing for me to do. If there are three things that I need to do away with in my life what would they be? Hmm…My self-negativity, my impatience, and my unwillingness to actually get up and do something.

How am I health-wise? I am losing weight on a good, healthy scale but I don’t eat right. I need to eat on a schedule and eat healthy. I hate food. Really I do. So I need to find things I enjoy eating that my body will enjoy in a healthy manner. I’ll start that immediately as well. I should probably look at taking some multivitamins on a more routine schedule as well.

I need to get out! I need to get the hell out and do something. I’m always working, schooling, or writing. Ugh. I’m drained and burnt out totally. So I’ll make an effort to perhaps once biweekly get out and do something that I enjoy, do something different. And I’ll also make an effort to do something biweekly dedicated to my family OUTSIDE as well. I know I need it.

I will also reach out to a group of some kind. I definitely need to meet people. I need to find acquaintances, make friends. I also will spend some time revamping my resume and start looking at things. I should have already been doing that. Lastly, I think I also need to tear myself away from the norms. Maybe once a week turn off all those electronics and just enjoy the peace and quiet. I need to learn how to turn my over-active brain off! I’ll try these things SLOWLY of course. So, let’s see how that will work out for me. We shall see.

Cheers,

Michala